Dear H.O.T.
Friends,
What started out as a little playful fun has
turned into a serious national crisis! Had I known
what this competition would do, I would not have
started it. Now I have a problem. Here are the
elements of the crisis:
1) Formerly sane people are doing
completely nutty things. A guy in Boca Raton,
Florida has truly lost his everlovin' mind. Here
is what that sounds like:
Click
Here To Play The Audio Message
2) Innocent children are being dosed with what
I formerly considered to be primarily an
"adult strength" condiment in order to
try to win a silly contest. It reminds me of
overly competitive people who race hospital beds,
lawn mowers and bath tubs. Have you seen that?
Please help me decide whether to call child
protective services on this one ;-)
Click
Here To Play The Audio Message
3) A formerly staid American adult lets her
hair down (and no tellin' what else) in an attempt
to win some groceries (The winner of the contest
gets 3 bottles of H.O.T. Sauce per month for the
balance of the year), a few garments (The winner
also gets a H.O.T. T-shirt and H.O.T. cap) and a
cheap ceramic cup (Included in the contest loot is
a H.O.T. cup). Here is what it sounds like when
your 3rd grade history teacher loses it!
Click
Here To Play The Audio Message
4) Most disturbing, perhaps is the
contribution we are making to the degradation of
the sexual morays of America's women folk. To my
knowledge, these ladies haven't sounded like this
since their wedding night and in one (most
disturbing) the voice of a young child can be
heard. I just pray someone was covering his ears
as his mother performed this embarrassing
rendition of our silly, formerly innocent
advertising slogan. Listen for innocent children
in the background while mommy lets it all hang
out:
Click each link to play the audio message.
I can't put all the
shame at the feet of the ladies, however. No,
there are several men culpable in this regard, as
well. I just hope I am not responsible for a whole
new baby boom nine months from now. Watch the
vital statistics section of your local newspapers
and report back to me please. Also, try to
remember how you feel and what you are motivated
to do after eating the H.O.T.Sauce. Statistically,
there is healthy population growth in countries
and cultures where lots of spicy foods are
consumed. Ever heard of a Latin Lover? ...and you
thought that was in the genes. Now the secret is
out. Gringos can be H.O.T. Lovers too, the safe,
natural way. For goodness sake, put the kids away
first!
I hope you get the idea. WE ARE HAVING FUN HERE!
You can be a part of this frivolity by following
the instructions in the initial letter about the
contest, here
Some contestants have obviously tried to
"act" the sound of a H.O.T. Lover,
futilely so. If you want to stand a chance of
winning the contest, you will have to get a jar of
this H.O.T. delicacy. With just a few clicks of
your mouse, you can get some here.
If you have figured out that this whole contest,
letters, web site, etc. is just a complex ruse to
sell our product, you caught me red-handed (and
probably red-mouthed too, 'cause I eat this stuff
by the bucket full.) Why else would I spend
endless of my obviously talented hours hacking out
this copy, for the public good, perhaps?
Oh, just briefly, a note on the Spanish language.
The Latinos have separate words for
"hot". Caliente means the temperature as
measured by a thermometer is elevated, as in
"La tierra es caliente". The ground is
hot. Please write this down, class. The Spanish
word for hot is "picoso" or "picante."
The next time you hear some company say their
product is "muy caliente." Ask if it
stays hot all the time? If so, we can harness that
heat source and produce erpetual motion which
would solve America's dependence on foreign oil
and we could let the deserts of the middle east go
back to the desolate wasteland they started as and
forget about disturbing the precious animals in
Alaska. Anyway, delving deeper, you will find that
what they really mean is that it is "picoso".
By then they have been knocked off for the frauds
they are, trying to fool people into thinking they
are authentic. They probably have sombreros and
burros on the label. This is a lame attempt at
convincing you that they are from "the old
country." Read the label. It is probably made
in New Jersey or Ohio. We have no such silly
graphics on our label, just a bold Texas shape
(closest place to Mexico you can get hot sauce and
have the FDA inspectors assuring quality
ingredients and sanitary bottling conditions).
Though made in this progressive state, it is real
Latinos making this stuff. There is absolutely no
risk of having sombrero straw or burro stuff
ending up in the product. These guys drive Chevys
and wear ball caps, so get those corny stereotypes
out of your racist Gringo brains. BTW, the
fabulous Habanero pepper is not widely known or
used in traditional Mexican cuisine. It is more
common in the Caribbean and Central American
environs.
The crazy contest goes till the end of the month.
Be sure and enter. That way, at least you will
have a permanent record of your "moment of
raucous ribaldry" for anyone who would accuse
you of being staid or a "stuffed shirt."
Well, enough for now, I do have another life
besides writing this silly Newsletter and running
crazy contests, like grabbing hold of a fabulous
taco with copious amounts of H.O.T.Sauce on it for
breakfast.
Dios le bendiga y buena suerte mis amigos.
(look it up)
H.O.T. Bill
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